I need advice!! How to forgive, forget, or just go?

My husband of 3 years cheated on me in May,and I found out in June. We had a 18 month old at that time, and I was pregnant with our second child (born in AUG). We were in a long distance relationship since I am in the ARMY and he is a state cop and essentially was 1500 miles apart. He had an affair with a co-worker, and though it's over now and with her own husband I can't get over it. I took emergency leave for 30 days to work on our relationship face-to-face at that time,and the entire time he denied the affair,even though I had proof (e-mails and convos from him to her). Eventually, end of July, he admitted it, but he wont talk to me about it and wont let me talk to him about it and get my feelings out there. I feel like yelling and screaming and crying, but keep silent. Trying to work on this and stay together for our children, and up until this point, he was a good guy that I loved very very much. I feel that nothing's changed in our relationship, and I've told him I need to feel loved and appreciated even more so if we're to stay together, but at times, it doesn't seem like he's trying and his version of moving on is to pretend nothing happened and he expects me to do so. He moved down here once he got a job that he had been applying for and accepted and says that's his ';big sign'; to work on the marriage. My problems- he applied for this job 6 months prior to anything happened, so it was a matter of time before he accepted it to begin with, his e-mails to her said things like I had the best time in my life with you, how much he loved her, how he was working it out with me for the sake of the kids and he didn't want to lose his money to me, now he has very little patience with our children, though at times he is wonderful with them, and comes up with snidey comments about the youngest one- such as Scoom (i.e. scum) and says things like he's going to throw her away when she cries, like all babies do. I know he has a short temper due to a severe head injury when we first got together and it's altered his patience level and short-term memory. He says all that was him venting because he was fed up with our long-distance situation, he didnt really love her, he loves me and i'm the best thing to happen to him, and at the time it was because he was lonely and needed that companionship. (The affair was over a period of 2 weeks before she moved to Texas to be with her own husband). A couple of months ago, he went back home to pick up his car and close out his house, but while he was up there, he had contact with an ex girlfriend, that I asked him to stop talking to when we first got together because she was trying to get back with him, and he said it was innocent, just to say goodbye to an old friend. He thinks I should be over this, but I don't think he realizes how much this hurts me and him rationalizing it all makes it worse because he doesn't seem sincere in his apologies, him not understanding that until I am over it, I'm not comfortable with ANY female relationships, short of his mom and motherly-like figures; and I feel like I'm just going to be played for the rest of my life. The holidays are around the corner and I don't want to depress everyone trying to talk about all this, but I feel that I haven't been talking about it at all since it happened with him and the longer I wait, the more its just going to seem that I'm holding on to a martyr image, instead of actually having unresolved issues that was never discussed to begin with. What do I do? How do I get over it all?I need advice!! How to forgive, forget, or just go?
sounds like you have a jerk for a husband.





before you can let go.... forgive.... and move on.





there has to be discussion, you can't move on.... without having the ability to express your hurt, anger, hopes, etc.......





he has to express his sorrow in order for you to forgive.





and in order to move on.... he has to show that he has changed, and working on the marriage.








sounds to me.... that none of the above has been done by him.








don't stay married because of the kids........ if you stay married.... do so because the two of you love each other.... and are willing to work together.I need advice!! How to forgive, forget, or just go?
If he did it once hell do it again, I would get out of the situation, sounds like your the only one investing any time in it.
you don't have do discuss/know every single details about his affair. you should just let it go.
too hard to read
I agree. way too long
In order for you to heal he needs to talk with you about the affair. If he is not open and not willing to let you then it's time to say goodbye, he is too worried about himself. He screwed up and if he wants to keep you then he is going to have to talk with you about it and figure out a way to gain your trust back.
i know you don't want to hear this, but he is a loser, but you do have kids together and i understand why you want to keep it together, what i would do is say we go to counseling or divorce, and i go after you for child support, he should naturally want to support his kids...and when this gal pal of his finds out he doesn't have much money because its going to the support of his kids..chances are she will be gone...
as im reading your stories, i can relay my own, the same alibi's my ex dialogue to me. i did tried also my very best to forget and begin a new life, but my ex still made excuses to meet his gf/mistress, made a secret phonecalls, emails, but i caught it all. because of love and because i want a family to stick together, i keep silent. it took me 15 yrs. living with him with all the lies, and also the cold should from him, the way he shouted, he had a short tempered moods. after 15 yrs., i made a final decision, i let him go, no words uttered from him, so he was waiting from me the first to decide, and i made it, final , end of relationship, end of married life. then after 17 yrs of separation he suffered a brain stem stroke, all his relatives, and my children convince me and had a hard talk with me, to accept him, because the woman doesnt want to take care of him, he is disable. when i saw him, he cried and asked forgiveness, i forgive and now he is with us. tho the love was not there anymore. now back to your stories, better decide now, you are still young, you have all the courage, your children are with you, let him go, if thats the only way you can feel the ease, dont let your life ruin by his alibis and lies. feel the freedom of being you. at first it would be full of pains and heartaches in separation, you have still the dignity, you are entitled to your freedom, to be happy, release him, and all the anxiety, you will get over it. you have beautiful children and beautiful life ahead of you. you gave all the love and understanding with him but did he think all that sacrifices? he only thinks his own happiness, he didnt mind if you get hurt, so why keep him, its not worth my dear. let him go, have your own freedom and enjoy the remaining time of your life. i knew how hard it is to decide, at first yes, it is very painfull, it seems heaven and earth fall on you, but it heals, all the wounds he made. your life and dignity is still yours, dont lose it.
im sorry to say but you give this guy way tooo much credit. he is a complete loser and you do need to move on. if 2 people are only staying together because you have kids, then where is the joy in that? your marriage will only fall apart, even harder- later down the line. Get it over with now and start a new life for yourself and your children. I myself could never stay with a man who has cheated on me. I do believe that is the worst a man can do to his wife, the one he loves. However I am not you. You will not be able to just ';get over'; this as you call it. As long as there is silence, the anger, bitterness, and sadness is building up inside of you. Don't be the cashier, be the customer :) and don't take that crap.
Sorry, but there is no way I'm sorting through your mess of words.. He cheated on you!! Once is enough!!! Move on.. he will just hurt you again!!! He should know better as a husband.. and on top of it he's a cop... Leave him!! It will take less time to get over things if you don't subject yourself to his selfishness any longer.. Good luck!!
I am very sorry to hear about your predicament. You sound like a very smart and good-hearted person.





Nobody is perfect.....we all make mistakes. But I feel very strongly about cheating... and do not think it is ever right.





Listen...Everybody is different. Some people have more forgiving natures than others; some people can ';forgive and forget';; but some cannot...no matter how hard they try! This does not mean they are bad or mean people; it just means they cannot handle this kind of betrayal.





You are perfectly entitled to feeling the way you do.


What your husband did is wrong in many levels---he disrespected you, your marriage, your home. Everything we do in life has consequences; and the consequences of his actions have caused you to lose your trust in him. You don't have to be a nuclear physicist to understand this.





I guess what I'd ask you to do is go to therapy or counseling by yourself. You need to vent and address your feelings. If you don't, sooner or later you will blow up...and you might easily have a serious depression that could literally put you in the hospital, so be careful and take care of yourself. I'm not kidding here.





You must evaluate your life and make a decision.





You cannot keep postponing it or living like this- it's just not healthy! While I believe that people should fight for their marriage, I feel that in cases of abuse or cheating, we shouldn't feel guilty for bailing out.





After all, God knows our intentions and He can read our heart. He knows you love your husband; and that you have tried to be a good wife and mom. But ....since we cannot change other people, you will have to either accept what happened and work on overcoming it...or calling it quits.


There is no gray area here- it's a black-or-white issue.


Either you really forgive and forget.....or you end it.





You should talk to your husband and explain how you feel. Men and women think and act differently: so he needs to really understand to what extent he hurt and damaged your relationship. Chances are, he feels bad about it and wishes he hadn't done it; but he needs to fully GET IT...!





Explain it to him like this: Imagine you have a beautiful crystal vase you cherish. You enjoy looking at it, and feel happy when you do. But one day it falls and breaks.


Even if you manage to find all the pieces and put it back together again, you will always feel sad when you look at it. Why? Because it is no longer ';perfect';, as it once was. Every time you see it, you will remember how it WAS, and you will feel both sad and angry that it is NOT the same way NOW.





So...What are you going to do about it?


Are you going to toss it away? Or are you going to hold on to it, because you still like it, although it makes you sad?





The same thing happens to your marriage. Maybe this will help him to see your point of view.


......................................鈥?br>




Please consider scheduling an appointment with your pastor or priest so you can vent. Keeping things inside is a bad idea.


Also, see if your church has a support group you can join. (Listening to other people's stories may help you when you see you are not the only one going through this.)





Good luck. Only you know how you feel and if you are willing to try to continue trying to make things work out. Ask God to help you, heal you and guide you.





And remember..Life is too short to waste it on being miserable. God wants us to be happy.





And IMO, liars, cheaters and abusive men never change.





You will be in my prayers.
Some people can forgive their partner for an affair. I couldn't - its a dealbreaker. but you have to decide if thats how you feel?


I wouldnt allow my husband to call my kids scum or talk about throwing them away - head injury or not. You sound too good for him. I wouldnt trust him with the kids alone though - supervised visitation. If you want to talk to him or do the counseling route go ahead, but put your foot down and demand respect for you and your children. some things are not allowed to be said (like the scum remark)





as for the affair, he couldve loved her or couldve just loved the attention of the affair - gets his head out of the whole marriage/children responsibility thing. regardless, does it matter what he said? would it be ok if he had sex with a stranger? i don't see the difference - he loves her/he doesn't .. he still cheated.
If you want to stay with him it will take time for your wounds to heal and he should respect that. It does sound like he was using this lady as his garbage can for all the BS that he was feeling. He needs to know that he can talk to you about how he feels and that you will listen. He needs to agree to do everything in his power to make this up to you adn promise to stay away from inappropriate relationships
I made it about 20 lines down and then got tired.





You need to rethink the reason why you got married while still in the army and while your husband is a state cop. That was probably not a very good decision. Yes, you hav children, but how does you relationship grow AT ALL when you live 1500 miles from each other? Where is the love? How do you cultivate your relationship? How are your children going to know their father??





I would consider either getting your duty station changed to be near your husband or asking him to resign and move to you. Your children do not deserve to have their father and mother split up. The affair is a terrible thing, but the distance is probably the main reason why it happened in the first place. Look at the root causes of the affair, discuss them with your husband, come up with a viable solution. You need to be together or your marriage more than likely will fail because a marriage apart is not really a marriage at all.
your right .. get over him ..kick him out .if he wont talk and say sorry to you.. he knows he is wrong here .. but he wont take the blame .. so make him talk to you or show him the door .. its that simple .say to him .as you cant go on until its over with.. and yes he will do it again ..
Yes very hard to read, try and use some paragraphs and spacing next time.





But as far as your problem, I believe there is no forgiveness for cheating and he did it twice? Why do women constantly stay in relationships where they are unhappy?
You have entirely too much drama in your life. You need to lose this spineless worm before he does anymore damage to your psyche. Then wait for a real man to come into your life and show you what real love is all about. It'll happen.
I went through this. I was also pregnant and did not want to bring a child into this world without his parents together. I also had a 4 year old son. sooooo....believe me I understand. All you want to do is talk talk talk....and no matter what its never enough. You dont want to keep rubbing it in his face but you cant help but need his comforting and reassuring all day every day. When he is not around or on the phone with you, you are wondering what he is doing. You wonder if there are other woman. You think...he did it once, why wont he do it again? there are sooo many more issues than the fact that he cheated on you.


Start with the distance between the two of you.


You cannot fulfill his needs and desires emotionally or physically being so far away. and he cannot fill yours.


This is where you need to decide do you fix your marriage and give it everything you have or do you keep on doing what your doing with the chance of your marriage falling apart.


To fix it you will have to forgive, you will never forget but forgive him and mean it. You cant throw it in his face later and he should be willing to do whatever it takes to fix it. If you dont want him around other woman he should respect that and understand why. I guarantee he acts like he has nothing to owe you. He doesnt want to talk to you about this and he acts like you are inconveniencing HIM by wanting to talk about this. Well that man just turned your whole world upside down. He needs to do what it takes to make it work. If he truly wants it to.


I would talk him and tell him....one last time i want to sit down and discuss this with no interuptions. I want to get everything out in the open and leave no tables unturned. then assure him after you do that you will not keep bringing up the same things. but be honest and let him know if something new comes up you may have to ask but you wont keep asking the same thing over and over. when you talk it out and get all your answers and everything makes a little bit more sense....you need to tell him that talking makes you feel so much better. He feels as though you are not moving on and only wanting to throw this in his face, even though you and i both know that you just want answers.....and when you get them you want something more and sometimes im sure you have no idea what it is you want or need.


if you work it out....it will be a very long road. and that lonliness you feel will go away. it just takes time. You can do it as long as he is willing...but he cant fight you every step of the way.


Also remember that you guys are away from eachother and its very easy to fall into the arms of someone else when the one you truly love cannot be there for you.


You said your husband is an officer....that can be a very lonely job. it maes sense that the person he cheated with works with him. So that you know......it wasnt love. he was with a female that understood his job a female that understood his codes and someone he didnt have to explain every little thing to. there is nothing wrong with him talking to you but I know I used to go home to my husband and not say anything because I didnt want to have to explain every little detail. ANYWAY the way for you to keep his attention away from people at work is to get a little familiar with what he does... all of it. there is a book out there for wives on how to talk to your ';cop husband'; unfortunately i cant remember what its called. I will ask around and add it later.


You are in the ARMY so you know you dont want to talk or explain every little detail of your job....now think if you were a guy...it would be far less.


Anyway my point is that you guys need to reconnect on an emotional level. remember why you fell in love. remind yourself and him why you guys are soooo good together. remind him why YOU are so perfect for him.


AND WORK ON THE DISTANCE THING. he said he is sick of it and he has a job where he is able to do it anywhere....have him move closer to you.


You may also try talking in groups where people are dealing with this. that may help you to stay away from attacking him with questions all the time.


good luck if you need to talk just email me.
go to counseling and yall both talk to them


if this doesn't work the best bet is to just leave him


he will pay for it in the long run and realize how much he really did hurt


you and maybe in the future you and him and try things out again


good luck and sorry
You both go to counseling. He's probably not wanting to talk about it because he's ashamed, at least that's how my ex was. He made me feel the same way, and it wasn't until we started counseling that I started to understand how he was dealing with things.


It's not going to get better overnight, you both have to realize that, but you both also need to know how to handle things without pushing the other away.


If you can't find a way to resolve this and build trust again, it doesn't matter how much you love him, it'll never work.